if i hover long enough

Have i forgotten how to feel, love? Have i cast away in shadows all truth to likeable sense?
I am holding my eyes into the sky but the world does not move, lingering in a flux of disagreeable matter. I close my eyes and the sun she closes her eyes with me. We hover whole and half. who says when eyes open, who knows when eyes see more than they may lay upon.
Darling don’t linger, don’t linger just know i am here.

-always always R.

I don’t know what to say here, perhaps there is nothing more to say than that has already been said. I should write SILENCE –that explains everything that i cannot express. There is... just nothing. An abyss of nothingness extends its self from my bedroom window, in the crack between my eye lids, seeping through the pipes and closing in on my temples. The hard pressure of nothing.

Three more days and now it's just a deep missing ach in my collarbone. The deep yearning for you to come take my hands and tell me everything will be okay -to guide me through my life. To tell me which boys i should avoid and question the ones who i like, for you to tell me to stop fretting about the future and that i'll get there someday. I need you to tell me i'm doing okay because you’re the only person i'll ever believe in.

-always always R.

Happy birthday darling i'm sorry i just realised - you know how bad i am with dates and numbers. I still feel you here and i'm trying to figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe i'm going mad. But just know that wherever you are i'm missing you like crazy. I promise to visit soon and freshen up your flowers.

-always always R.

ghost duets

and like ghost duets in the dusty creases of the night sky i began to fall fall fall like the light of a morning star. my heart felt the rush of a thousand breaths. falling past the cracks in the sky and the things we never learnt. falling past the page of an untold story and from the hub of time. falling from the people we hurt and the memories that burn. there is not a breath in the world now, all ghosts depart and i am left in the silence of my loss.

-always always R.

when you find great sadness, that moment. that moment right there is when you know you’re alive. and the past was nothing but a dream.

this place decays like sugar upon teeth. everyday i lose a little. i knew you once. i held you, i learnt you. you were a typewriter, writing the world up into little specks of light through the souls of my porcelain skin. my eyes spill inc. i hold my hand and count. every second i lose a number. listing entire worlds and to everything that makes breathing bearable. 'BING!, saved by the bell!' empty cupboards, the very moment before you close your eyes, yearning for the sun, blank pages waiting for the scrabble numbers of an unsettled mind. sometimes i regret that i keep you here. this place decays. this place. this place.

-always always R.

do not fear you are not lonely old child, can’t you see you have everything you ever needed. you just don’t know it yet.

you told me that once. i am standing here listening to a memory while stirring my wake-up coffee. the morn is grey. there is a sheen across the trees that holds me tight within my bones.
i am wondering what you ever saw to think that. if you felt a piece of me was aloof or if my eyes revealed what i could not say. i hold a breath to myself and hear you touching the notes on the piano. i am thinking what went wrong. if maybe you had no hair to lose and were 99 years old, you would have lived a thousand lives. breathed a thousand breaths. loved a thousand more. the sadness, the sadness came too soon; and time is still here waiting with me -my only companion. the world moves without a rhythm and i am thinking of an open fire. my soul is queer. i have you. i have you.
-always always R.

you stopped working, a broken clock, a grazed knee, something beautiful that no one see’s.

yesterday are the words that won’t escape.
yesterday is the pavement i follow too early for morn to sigh
yesterday is the day you weren’t
yesterday is the day happiness sat at the foot of my bed and lulled me lies.
yesterday words had no meaning, no sound.
yesterday is the hour you told me to hold what was holdable
yesterday is the night i lost the world and all its people.
yesterday was never meant to be held, careful old child and just let it be.
because today is so much more.

-always always R.